Bah Humbug, Bub
by Tanba Josav
Summary: It's Christmas time and the X-Men take on an enemy like they've never seen before.


"Bah Humbug, Bub!"  
  
DISCLAIMER: X-Men and all their affiliates belong to Marvel Comics, and 20th Century Fox Studios for the time being. All other characters belong to me. No money is being made from this exercise.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Logan stood outside the old brick building impatiently waiting for the rest of the X-Men to arrive. He puffed furiously on a cigar as he tugged on the collar of the damned uniform. He hated having to wear these sort of things almost as much as he loved baiting Scooter. He rolled the cigar into a corner of his mouth as he squinted up at the darkening sky.  
  
"Where the hell are they?" he muttered. "If they think for a minute that I'm doing this alone, they've got another thing comin'."  
  
Just then, Logan heard a muffled thump and around the corner came Jean Grey dragging a large sack full of equipment, that they'd need for tonight's mission.  
  
"Did it never cross your mind to lend me a hand?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"No," Logan replied. "Did it ever cross your mind to just levitate the damn thing?"  
  
Jean gave him a sour look as she dumped the sack near his feet.  
  
Scott and Ororo rushed around the corner. Scott's face looked grim as he came to a halt. "That was close," he panted. "They almost saw us."  
  
'Ro was the only one looking even faintly happy. She just stood there singing quietly under her breath. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."  
  
Logan caught some of the words "Don't even think about it darlin'." He poked a cigar laden hand in Ororo's direction. "Its bad enough we're here - we don't want the weather going south on us as well."  
  
"Logan!" Jean slapped the foul smelling object out of his hand and ground it out under one of her high heels. "What have I told you? You'll get ash on your costume."  
  
"So sue me," Logan pulled out the white beard till it reached the limits of its elastic and shook it hard. He then gently slipped it back over his chin. "Will someone please remind me why we are doing this again?"  
  
"Because it's traditional," the velvet reindeer antlers sitting on Scott's head bobbed in time to his words. "And because the Professor asked us nicely."  
  
"Oh well in that case," Logan sniggered as he looked Scott up and down.  
  
The X-Men's fearless leader was dressed up as an elf complete with green shirt, curly toed slippers and pantyhose - oh sorry, Logan corrected himself, make that tights. "You doing anything after the show tonight, dear?" he asked Scott.  
  
"Logan behave," Jean was also an elf but she was dressed in a tight little forest green miniskirt, low cut top and sheer black stockings. Ororo was dressed exactly like Jean only in red as befitted her role as Mrs. Claus. The scruffy mutant found he was having some very happy feelings every time he caught himself a glimpse of one of the ladies.  
  
Logan looked down at what he was wearing. Red was not his colour, he decided, even if it was trimmed with white fur, and he hated the paunchy look. Rogue had solemnly handed him two cushions to shove up under his jacket before bursting into giggles as she asked him whether or not he'd need another one to pad out his butt. Black boots and a wide belt rounded out his ensemble.  
  
"Why am I Santa again?" he asked.  
  
"Because you drew the short straw," Jean explained patiently for, she felt, the fiftieth time.  
  
"Because One-Eye over there rigged it you mean."  
  
"Who me?" Scott looked all innocent.  
  
"I still don't see why Chuck can't play Santa," Logan grumbled. "He comes complete with his own sleigh. All you'd need would be some Christmas lights for the damn chair and ole 'Rudolph the Ruby-Visored Reindeer' here," he jerked a thumb in Scott's direction. "Could tow him into the room, there'd be a quick rendition of Jingle Bells and 'bam'," he slapped his palms together. "We're outta there."  
  
"Oh my," Jean propped up Mrs. Claus, who was hysterically giggling at the mental image Logan had provoked. "What a good idea."  
  
"What?" Logan almost bellowed. "You mean if I'd thought that up before we'd left the mansion I could've stayed at home?"  
  
Scott looked seriously at 'Ro. "Did somebody spike the eggnog again?"  
  
"I know I could do with a drink right about now," Logan snarled.  
  
"I'm fine," Ororo fanned a hand in front of her flushed face. "Just give me a minute."  
  
"No offense 'Ro but why couldn't Red here have been the good lady wife?" Logan wanted to know.  
  
"Because she's only Mrs. Claus when I'm Mr. Claus." Scott spoke firmly.  
  
"Watch it pal," Logan leaned in close to Scott. "I'm the boss in red, cross me and I can have your green little elf butt fired."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Scott's hand drifted up to the side of his head. "And I can turn you into Crispy Claus."  
  
"Boys!" Jean stepped between the two men. "This is no way to act," she turned her attention to Logan. "Now, you are going to behave in there, right? Be nice to the children," Jean peered closely at Logan. "You do know what nice is, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, I know it's a four letter word and I also seem to recall that I'm not allowed to use four letter words around the kiddies."  
  
"Well tonight I'll make an exception, but only for 'nice', nothing else."  
  
"Crap, where's the fun in that?" Logan said.  
  
"Your word, Logan," Jean wagged an angry finger under his nose.  
  
"Fine, fine. You have my word already."  
  
"Right," Jean tugged her top down in an aggressive manner to indicate her resolve. She then seemed to realise how low-cut it really was and tugged it back up again. "Now I'm sure it won't be like last time."  
  
"Why, what was it like last time?" Logan wanted to know.  
  
"Bad," Scott said with a shudder. "Who'd have thought children could be that cruel?"  
  
"I'm outta here," Logan started walking off towards the car. "If I stick around any longer, somebody I know is gonna see me and there goes my street cred."  
  
"Hold it buster," Ororo said as the women grabbed an arm each and hauled him back. "It's all of us or none of us."  
  
"I vote none of us," Scott piped up.  
  
"Scott!" Jean snapped.  
  
Scott ducked his head and scratched behind the antlers in embarrassment.  
  
"Oh boy are you under the thumb," Logan crowed.  
  
Jean glared in Logan's direction, causing him to shift his weight and cough into his beard.  
  
"Wow that's amazing the way you do that," 'Ro said in awe. "You must tell me how."  
  
"Just pretend they're little children," Jean tilted her head to one side and looked at the two men. "Oh wait I don't have to pretend - they are children."  
  
Logan turned to Scott. "I've changed my mind, you can have her."  
  
Jean glanced at her watch with some apprehension. "Okay now the plan for when we go in there is: Logan you sit on the chair and let the monst . ., uh children, tell you what they want for Christmas, 'Ro you get those kids on and off his knee as quickly as possible, I'll hand out the little presents," she kicked at the bulging sack.  
  
"What will I do?" Scott asked.  
  
Ororo looked at him seriously. "You stand back and keep an eye on everything, if one of them even looks like they're going to start something, blast them."  
  
Jean took a deep breath and looked to the others. "Ready?"  
  
"If we say no can we go home?" Logan said.  
  
"No! Now everyone synchronise your watches." Jean reached down and picked up Santa's sack and, with a deep breath, she kicked in the door to St. Mary's Orphanage.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Three hours later the X-Men were back in their car. For the first five minutes they just sat in there completely exhausted. Finally Scott turned the ignition and slowly drove away.  
  
"Man I thought that was going to be bad," Logan said. "But I couldn't imagine it ever being that bad."  
  
"I never thought I'd hear myself saying this," Scott spoke quietly into the gloom. "But I agree with Logan, we get the Professor to do this next year."  
  
"Here, here," Ororo slipped off her shoes and rubbed her tired feet. "Do you know one of those brats groped me?"  
  
"Is that all?" Jean asked from the front seat. She held up some grubby slips of paper and waved them around. "They gave me their telephone numbers and one of them had the nerve to ask me how much I charged per hour."  
  
"Ouch," Logan chuckled. "Say how much do you charge?"  
  
"Please hit him," Jean asked.  
  
'Ro's fist bounced off the side of Logan's head.  
  
"What about that bully who sat on Logan's knee and announced there was no such thing as Santa Claus?" Ororo said.  
  
The entire car went silent as the group remembered that near fatal disaster.  
  
"What did you say to that kid, Logan?" Scott asked. "He went real quiet after that."  
  
Logan shrugged in the darkness. "I just told him to watch himself 'cause Santa always knows when a kid has been naughty or nice."  
  
"That's it?" Jean said in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah well the claw digging into his gut might've emphasised the words a little." Logan flashed a grin.  
  
Jean turned around and stared into the backseat. "That's unethical."  
  
"Worked didn't it?"  
  
Ororo stretched and rested her head on Logan's shoulder. She sighed deeply. "I'd rather face Magneto and his Brotherhood any day."  
  
Logan patted her on the head. "Remind me to get the hell away from New York this time next year, okay?"  
  
"Only if I can come with you?" 'Ro replied sleepily.  
  
"Only if we can all come with you." Jean spoke out from the front seat.  
  
"Deal."  
  
THE END. 


End file.
